Loving This Way
by PCGirl
Summary: Jolie. A story of John and Natalie walking away from their love and it coming back to them once again later on.
1. Loving This Way

A/N: This story is in the same format as "How Far?"--total song fics. Of course, because of the site I've removed the lyrics, but the chapter name tells you what the name of the song was. Ya'll enjoy--if you want the full fic with lyrics included just e-mail me and I'll be glad to send them to you. Ya'll enjoy! Until next time--ya'll are the best--PCGirl.

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Disclaimer: All characters are property of ABC/Disney--I'm just borrowing and returning them in their original mint condition. ;)

John walked out of the bathroom and saw her sitting there on the couch—quietly lost in thought as she held his mother's engagement ring between her fingers—staring into it as if it would tell her a huge secret, "You're supposed to wear it," he joked as he walked closer and she looked up at him and he could see the traces of tear stains on her face.

"You never meant to give this to me, John. I knew it when I said yes earlier—heck, I said yes before you even asked," said Natalie, her voice shaking somewhere between sobs and laughter.

"Natalie—," he said as he sat down on the couch next to her and stared at the ring for a moment himself—and realized he was also waiting for it to tell him the same secret that Natalie had been waiting for—how did they get here and how did they get back to what they had. "That eighteen wheeler really screwed us up, didn't it?"

"We were screwed up before the wreck John—not half as screwed up as we are now, but we were. Getting engaged though—it's not the answer," she said as she handed the ring back to him and looked at him a moment before speaking.

"When you were gone that ring was what grounded me—knowing you loved me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with me."

"I still do."

"Then why do we keep hurting each other? Why can't we talk like we used to without it ending up as a yelling match? I miss that."

"I miss it too. How do we fix it?"

"I don't know either—maybe in time we'll know, but right now—we need to get our own lives straight before we can get us as a couple straight," she said as she stood up. "I'm—I'm not happy with who I've become lately John. I look in the mirror and don't see myself—not the spunky girl from AC, the one who isn't afraid to speak her mind, and could take care of herself without a second thought. I want to be her again—I'm good at being her."

"I like her too," said John with a half smile. "It's not all you though either—I want to be a better person for you. I know I'm not easy to live with."

"Really? I never noticed," she teased.

"Yeah—little known fact," he joked and suddenly realized the conversation they were having and got quiet first before the next words came out quietly, "I want you to be happy."

"I always have been with you. Hopefully when I come back we can be again."

"Where are you going?"

Natalie smiled at him and for a moment she wanted to change her plans and stay right here with him, "I'm going to go a couple weeks with Kevin and Kelly—get to know Zane some too. From there, I'm not sure where, but I know I'll end up back here—or I hope I will."

John was silent as he stood up and pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead, trying to keep her from seeing the tears. "I'm going to miss you."

"Me too—hopefully it won't take me too long to find her," she said as she pulled out of the hug and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Goodbye, John."

"Goodbye, Natalie," he said as he watched her gather her coat and purse and leave the room without looking back.


	2. Lips of an Angel

John was lying in the bed, lost in thoughts of cases and theories when he heard the phone ring and his heart raced at wondering if it was her—it'd been months since they'd talked, but this was the time she always did—late at night while the rest of the world slept was when they connected the best. Maybe that's why he was still awake, because she'd been on his mind today and he'd been hoping she would call.

He got out of his bed quietly not to waking the sleep form next to him and as he turned on the phone in mid-ring he glanced back at the bed—they'd been together for a month now, and she was sweet and all, but he sighed—she wasn't the one that held his heart. "Hey," he answered softly as he sat down in the chair that hid him from view of the bed.

"Hey—did I wake you?" asked Natalie as she finished some paperwork in her office.

"No—I was still awake. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah—I just haven't made it home yet."

"Burning the midnight oil?" he joked as he relaxed into the chair some.

"Catching up on paperwork that I can't do in the middle of the work day—and I just don't really feel like going home."

"Why? Is everything ok?" he asked, not bringing up her boyfriend. He'd realized it was better if he pretended the man didn't exist—part of him was still hoping she'd leave where she'd settle a year ago and come back home—to Llanview and to him.

"We're fine. I just—it's getting serious, and John—I don't want it to," she whispered and then sighed at admitting the truth.

"Truth sucks, doesn't it Buchanan?"

"Yeah. Enough about me—how are you and—what's her name—Alyssa?"

"How'd you know about her?"

"I can't reveal my sources," she grinned on the phone and realized how normal talking to him on the phone was once again. That's why she'd stopped calling for awhile—life was easier when you avoid your problems, but lately he kept invading her mind despite her best efforts.

They sat there in silence for a minute before John finally got up the nerve to speak, "Did you ever find her?"

"Yeah, but—I can't come back now John."

"Why not?"

She smiled at his forwardness, "Because I have a business to run. I remember someone once telling me they didn't walk out on their responsibilities—I think I'll take a page from their book and do the same."

"Don't throw my words back at me. As for the bar—sell it. Mac's been complaining he doesn't have enough time for his grandkids—he'd love to sell the place to you Natalie."

"Yeah? I don't think Alyssa would like the idea of your begging me to come back."

"You haven't seen me beg yet, sweetheart," he teased and heard movement in the other room—suddenly feeling ashamed at talking to Natalie late at night while someone else was sleeping in his bed. "Just—just think about it. You found what you were looking for—so just come back to what you left now. It's not as scary as you think."

"I'll think about it—goodnight John."

"Goodnight," he said as he hung up the phone and closed his eyes for a moment before putting the phone up and climbing back in the bed—to lay there in silence, praying the phone would ring again and she'd say she was on her way home.


	3. Far Away

Natalie looked over to the doorway and saw John walking in and couldn't help but smile at him. It had been a month since she'd been back in Llanview and had bought Rodi's from Mac and every night, like clockwork, John would show up after he got done at the station. She smiled again as she remembered telling him she was coming back home.

"_Come in," snorted John as he worked at his desk, his mind in the case before him._

_Natalie walked in cautiously, unsure of the reaction she'd get at him seeing her here, "Hey."_

"_Hey," he said as he immediately put away the file and came and gave her a hug and shut the door behind her. "When did you get in town? Is this just a visit?"_

_She immediately relaxed at his warm greeting at seeing her, "I got in this afternoon—and this is a short visit, but I'll be back again in a couple weeks. I'm buying Rodi's."_

_John couldn't help but grinning at knowing she was coming back here, but then he thought of her boyfriend and he had to ask, "Is he coming with you?"_

"_He?" she asked, confused and then realization dawned on her. "Oh—no. We're not together anymore. I—I broke that off awhile ago—it wasn't what I wanted."_

_  
"What do you want?" he asked, his voice betraying him and coming out huskier than he'd anticipated._

_Natalie's voice was stuck in her throat as she watched John standing there and she suddenly wanted to be reckless again, "I—I wanted to make sure it was ok with you. I mean I'm going to buy Rodi's regardless of what you say, John—I just didn't want it to hurt your relationship with Alyssa, that's all."_

"_We're not together anymore," he said, surprised she hadn't heard the horrific story already._

"_Oh—I'm sorry. I hadn't heard anything—."_

"_I'm surprised you haven't. She found my mother's engagement ring and jumped to the wrong conclusion," he said mumbling the last part with his head down and hoping she hadn't heard him._

_At hearing the words Natalie began laughing, finally catching her breath she looked up to John and grinned as she talked, "I'm sorry. Can I ask where the ring is now?"_

"_Mike has it. I should have never kept in my room after you left—but then, I never saw her as the snooping type either."_

"_In her defense, when a woman sees her boyfriend has an engagement ring in his possession it normally means that he's going to propose. I mean, look at what happened with us," she said and suddenly felt very uncomfortable and was ready to leave. "I need to get with Mac over the paperwork. I'll see you around," she said, unable to look in the eye at that moment._

John smiled at Natalie who was standing behind the bar helping customers and then went to a corner table and pulled out some notes he'd brought with him to go over. The past month had been an incredible joy for him to be near Natalie again—they talked and played pool like they used to in the beginning, where there was no relationship on the line with every word that was spoken.

And yet a part of him missed that—the intimate touch that was more than the accidental brushing up of bodies when he'd help her with a rush of customers at the bar. But he had promised himself he'd take it slow—he'd seen the fear in her eyes that day in his office at remembering what they'd screwed up before, and he would take it slow for as long as she wanted. He wouldn't lose her this time; he couldn't bear for her to be out of his life once again.

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"You lose again, McBain," laughed Natalie out loud as the two of them played pool in the closed bar.

"You know I'm letting you win so I can see you smile," said John as he grabbed his beer of the table and took a sip.

"Oh really?" she answered him, her courage up and she wondered what he would do if she pushed him down on the pool table. "What else would you do to make me smile?" she asked, and instantly knew she'd had too much to drink tonight. It was late—she needed to get out of here—she wasn't going to screw this up. "I think it's time I get home. I've got a delivery here in the morning and need to get to bed," she said as she began to break down her pool cue, keeping her eyes downward and not looking at John.

"Natalie," he said softly as he walked to her and brought his hand to her chin, forcing her head up so their blue eyes connected. "I love you."

"John—don't," she sighed as she tried to walk away, but he wasn't going to let her and took her arm and pulled him against her.

"Don't what? Love you? Want you? Need to feel your bare skin against mine? I can't, Natalie—not anymore."

"We can't go back John—we'll just screw it up again."

"Look at us, Natalie—we're playing pool, laughing, flirting—this is us, the real us. Whatever happened before—it doesn't matter anymore. I look at you and all I see is my future," he said as he placed both his hands on her face and brushed his lips over hers. When she didn't try and pull away he covered her mouth with his—taking in her taste, a taste he knew by heart and had missed for over a year. He heard the pool stick drop to the floor and a grin appeared on his face as he began to carefully walk her backwards until she was stopped by the pool table.

As they separated for a moment John opened his eyes and looked at Natalie—whatever it was before that had split them up was gone, and now that all was left was the two of them making up for lost time and lost love.


End file.
